At this point in history, money holds such massive emotional 1)baggage that asking,“Can I have some of yours for a while?” or “Will I ever get that money I lent you back?” are some of life’s weightier questions.
And now, we the people—underwater, unemployed and terrified—are forced ever more into the position of borrowing and lending among ourselves. Facing increasing personal financial crises, many of us now gaze with dollar signs in our eyes at those with whom we lunched and shopped and shared secrets in happier times.
Ella Hodges had three kids and worked parttime for a law firm when her husband’s business failed in 2010. For the first time in her life, she needed to borrow money. But from whom?
“I knew that my friend Bree had a lot of money, and I knew she would say yes,” Hodges remembers. “She knew I had always been very 2)fiscally careful, so she trusted me. But how could I put Bree into the position of worrying that maybe the payback might never come? How could I put that burden on our friendship?”
Hodges says, “Borrowing money from Bree would make her my banker. She could then 3)justifiably 4)scrutinize every decision I made. If she loaned me money, then asked me out for drinks, should I not drink? If I buy a car, does she get to choose it? I’m a very self-conscious person; others aren’t. They wouldn’t share my concerns about borrowing money or spending it.”
Tory Fisk learned this when his friend, a laidoff computer programmer we will call Jed, asked Fisk last year, for an $800 loan.
To music-teacher Fisk, $800 was a lot. “Friends are usually in the same economic class as each other, so if you ask your friend for money, that friend is probably not going to be some 5)cavalier 6)Richie Rich smoking 7)solid-gold cigars.”
Having always earned more than Fisk, Jed spent freely. Jed told Fisk he needed the $800 “for essentials like food,” and promised to repay it in$50 monthly 8)installments.
Fisk loaned Jed the money.
Jed missed the first payment, then the next. One day Fisk was startled to see Jed “wearing a fancy new suit. He said that when you’re 9)down and out, you need good clothes to impress potential future employers.
“With every missed payment, I found myself feeling more and more critical about his lifestyle. It was like, if I’m supporting you, then I 10)have a stake in your choices. You’re supposed to use that money to get back on your feet—not enjoy yourself,” Fisk seethed.
在历史的这一时刻，金钱承载着巨大的情感包袱，提出“我能借你的钱用一段时间吗？”或者“你啥时候才能把钱还我呢？”这样的疑问，都是生活中较为沉重的话题。
如今，我们这些人——迷茫、失业和恐惧——越来越多地无奈走向相互借贷之路。面对与日俱增的个人财政危机，现在我们很多人以金钱的眼光审视当年那些好日子时与我们共进午餐、一起购物和共享秘密的人。
2010年，埃拉·霍奇斯的丈夫生意失败，当时她一边抚养三个孩子，一边在一家律师事务所兼职。她这一辈子首次需要借钱。但向谁借呢？
霍奇斯回忆说：“当时我知道我的朋友布里很有钱，我也知道她会说没问题。她知道我一向在花钱方面很谨慎，所以她信任我。但我怎么能置布里于‘本钱不保’的忧心中呢？我怎么能将这种负担加诸我们的友谊之上呢？”
霍奇斯又说：“向布里借钱会让她变成我的金主。那么她就可以名正言顺地审查我做的每一个决定。要是她借了钱给我，然后约我出去喝一杯，我不该喝吗？要是我要买辆车，她也要左右我选择哪部吗？我是一个很自觉的人。其他人并不如此。他们不会认同我在借钱或花钱问题上的顾虑。”
去年，托里·菲斯克的一个朋友——一个下了岗的计算机程序员（我们管他叫杰德）向其借了一笔800美元的债务。这时，他明白了这一道理。
对于音乐教师菲斯克来说，800美元是一笔大钱。“朋友之间通常处于相同的经济阶层，所以如果你向你的朋友借钱，他大概也不会是那种用纯金器具抽雪茄的阔气绅士。”
杰德一向比菲斯克赚得多，他花钱毫无节制。杰德跟菲斯克说，他需要那800美元“买食物这样的必需品”，并承诺以每月50美元的方式分期归还。
菲斯克把钱借给了杰德。
杰德没有还第一期的钱，也没还第二期的。一天，菲斯克看到杰德时吓了一跳，他“身穿一套花哨的新衣服，并解释说，当你穷困潦倒的时候，你需要漂亮的衣服来吸引潜在的未来雇主。
“每一次他不还钱，我发现自己就越发挑剔他的生活方式。这好比如果我资助你，那我就对你的选择有一定的干预权。你应该用那笔钱来重整旗鼓，而不是享乐。”菲斯克忿忿地说。
It angered Fisk that Jed refused to seek work in any field besides programming.
Eventually, Jed stopped mentioning the loan.
“He probably assumed it was forgotten and that since it was forgotten, it was forgiven,” Fisk says. “But in fact it was a 11)festering sore. To me, $800 is a lot of money. It’s not like a cup of sugar loaned to your neighbor.”
As a 12)last-ditch effort, Fisk created a small business with Jed.
“His carelessness ruined the business. That, along with never repaying the loan, ended our friendship.”
Every human relationship has its boundaries and 13)taboos. If sex a n d m o n e y a r e our culture’s twin obsessions, both wreak similar havoc on friendships.
The size of a loan that one friend requests from another puts a neon price tag on that friendship. Is a new iPad worth more to you than a roof over my head?
After Rose Guinne lost her job, “I had no choice but to borrow money. I had always prided myself on being able to pay my bills,” but for the first time in her adult life, “I had no savings, no way of earning extra cash. I was embarrassed to approach my parents because I wanted to be able to demonstrate my independence.”
One day Guinne ran into a friend we will call Howard. Twenty years her senior, he asked in a fatherly way why she seemed so sad.
“So I told him… Then it just burst out of me; I said, ‘I know it’s a lot of money, but is there any way you have $300?’ … I was ashamed. I had always wanted to project the image of a good businessperson and I felt I had failed.”
Howard wrote her a check for $300.
“I had been brought up to know that my actions were and are 14)accountable, so I said,‘Let’s draw up an agreement and we’ll each have a copy,’” Guinne recalls.
They drafted and signed it on the spot.
“It was to be paid back in installments at no interest, with a particular target date. If there was a delay in payment it had to be agreed upon by both parties.
“Howard smiled at me—I’ll never forget that smile—and said, ‘I trust you.’
“Every two weeks, I’d hand him a check and we noted on our agreements what had been paid and what the remaining balance was. We were like two business associates doing this, and we even laughed about it.
“Because we handled it in a 15)businesslike manner and were professional about it, our friendship remained very much on track—as a matter of fact, even more so, because he knew he could trust me and I could trust him. Trust is so important,” Guinne says.
True. That’s why Ella Hodges decided not to ask Bree for a loan after all.
“Our response when a friend asks us for a loan reveals our true feelings about that person,” Hodges says. “You can cloak your answer in whatever terms you want, but it reveals either that you think they’ll pay it back or that they won’t. There might be good reasons for either thought, but as soon as you have to confess this by saying no, it’s horrible.”
Hodges borrowed money from a relative instead.
杰德拒绝在编程以外的领域找工作这一点激怒了菲斯克。
最后，杰德对欠款的事更是只字不提。
“他可能以为我忘记这事了。他可能觉得，既然被遗忘了，就可以被原谅。”费斯克说，“但事实上这是一个化脓的痛点。对我来说，800美元是一笔大钱。那不像是一杯借给邻居的糖。”
作为最后的努力，菲斯克和杰德一起搞了点小生意。
“他的吊儿郎当毁了这盘生意。这一点，再加上那笔从未偿还的贷款，葬送了我们的友谊。”
人与人的关系都有其界限和禁忌。如果性和金钱是我们文化的两个使人痴迷之物，两者对友谊的破坏力都相仿。
朋友中的一方向另一方借钱的数目即为两人间的友谊贴上一个镭射价格标签。一部新iPad对你而言比我的栖息之处还值钱吗？
在罗斯·吉恩失业后，“除了借钱，我别无选择。我一直为能支付自己的账单而自豪，”但在她成年以来，她第一次陷入困境，“我没有存款，没法子赚外快。我不好意思向父母求助，因为我想证明自己独立。”
有一天，吉恩偶遇一位朋友，我们称他霍华德。霍华德比她大二十岁，他像慈父一样问她为什么看起来不开心。
“所以我告诉他……然后脱口而出，说：‘我知道这是很大一笔钱，但你有办法拿出300美元吗？’……我感到很羞愧。我一直想保持女强人的形象，但我觉得自己已经失败了。”
霍华德给她写了一张300美元的支票。
吉恩回忆说：“从小我就学会，无论过去还是现在，自己做人做事都要有担待有诚信，于是我说：“我们签一份协议吧，各持一份。”
他们当场就草拟协议并签了字。
“上面注明无利息分期还款，并规定了一个特定偿还日期。如果要延期支付，那得经双方同意。
“霍华德对我笑了笑——我永远不会忘记那微笑——并说道：‘我信得过你。’
“每两周，我亲手交给他一张支票，并在我们的协议上标注已经还了多少，未偿还余额多少。我们就像两个生意伙伴合作一样，甚至对整个程序置之一笑。
“因为我们都郑重其事并且专业地对待这件事，所以我们的友谊一如往昔——事实上，比往常更牢固，因为他知道他可以信任我，我也可以信任他。信任是非常重要的。”吉恩说道。
的确。毕竟那就是埃拉·霍奇斯决定不向布里借钱的原因。
“朋友向我们借钱时，我们的回应会反映出我们对那个人的真实看法。”霍奇斯说，“你可以用你想到的任何措辞来掩饰你的反应，但那透露了你认为他们会不会偿还借款的想法。愿意借出或不借出的念头可能出于各种很好的理由，但一旦你不得不坦陈自己的做法，开口拒绝，那就很可怕了。”
结果，霍奇斯向一位亲戚借了钱。
